The Ode to Uncle Joe
I sing to you!
Uncle had some wisdom
You know he had a tid bit of it
At least, give him that credit, will ya!
He lived his life the way he wanted to, didn’t he?
Turn me on, Deadman
Respect Poor Old Uncle Joe!
It’s his Funeral
Poor Old Uncle Joe can cry if he wants to!
The guy’s dead as a doornail
Isn’t he a really cool cat when he’s dead?
He’s a much cooler guy now, isn’t he?
Just look at him over there
Maybe, he’s so cool cause he can’t talk anymore
He’s now a man of few words like Clint and Bronson
He sure can’t say stupid things anymore that used to cut into our very souls
But, the things he said keep ringing in our ears, don’t they?
Even until this day
Those things became a part of us
We believed him
But, Poor Old Uncle Joe told some lies, didn’t the Bastard!
And, then we grew up
And, then it finally dawned on us he was full of it
He’s there, but Poor Old Uncle Joe’s gone
His voice has been silenced forever
Yet, it still rings in our ears like he’s still here talking all his BULL!
Be quiet now, Poor Old Uncle Joe!
Just look at him helplessly laying there like a stiff!
Well, he is one now, isn’t he?
Tell me what you see
Go tell him anything you want
But, you don’t have to give him the COLD shoulder, do you?
Go so far as to tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth
You’ve got nothin’ to lose, friend
Tell him how you really felt about him
I dare you
But, he won’t care…
You talk to deaf ears
It is now as it was then
He wouldn’t listen
I promise you he won’t care
Poor Old Uncle Joe is Dead.
He can understand you now
His ears are deaf
He lays so still
He won’t tell, he’ll keep the little secret quiet…
Look at him, just look at him!
He’s much uglier than he was, isn’t he!
I didn’t think he could possibly get even uglier, could he?
Oh yes, he certainly will when the bone starts showing through his rotting skin
There are advantages to being dead, aren’t there?
One thing is that it doesn’t matter anymore how ugly you are
Handsome and Pretty are meaningless
But, you’ll have to ask poor old uncle Joe his take on it to be sure
I’d guess he might think there are some advantages!
There must be at least one good one
Look at the bright side of dying…
The MAN can’t tell him what to do anymore!
Poor Old Uncle Joe doesn’t have to wake up early and drive in L.A. freeway traffic
Poor Old Uncle Joe isn’t in the RAT RACE, anymore
Yippie for him!
And, BOO for us!
We are still Rats in the Race without a finish line!
This in itself is worth dying for
No one can tell him ‘nuttin now, honey!
He can be himself now
Bully for him!
He doesn’t have to drown his blues away with alcohol
But, it sure did taste nice
It gave a good buzz
It quenched that thirst
Poor Old Uncle Joe can let his guard down
Poor Old Uncle Joe can be who he is
He can bloom
He can come out of his shell
He doesn’t have to act happy when he’s SAD
He doesn’t have to be a PHONY to keep some stupid assed low paying job that only keeps a roof over his head and food on the table and nothing more than that
He doesn’t have to worry about gettin’ fired
He doesn’t have to answer to you, anymore
He doesn’t have to go to some Quack Doctor where there’s never a cure for what’s ailing him
He doesn’t have to make you happy
He doesn’t have to please me
He doesn’t have to watch the words he says
No more TAXES!
No more RULES!
No more doing the dishes!
It doesn’t matter what color you are
You are just as dead when you are a black man as a white one
It doesn’t matter what religion you are
You are just as dead
Don’t have to worry about a Nuclear War or Terrorist Attack!
So, go ahead, tell him off!
See if he cares one Diddly do!
His feelings won’t be hurt
He has NONE anymore…
His feelings won’t hurt him anymore
He doesn’t have to take any more pills
He doesn’t have to take a shower and put on underarm deodorant
He doesn’t even have to change his socks and underwear!
How COOL is that!
Pretty gross, if you ask me!
So, let’s not go there…
I don’t think he smells any different now than he did before
Sorry, Poor Old Uncle Joe, I didn’t mean any disrespect
But, you were always Drunk and smelled like hell
But, he doesn’t have to do laundry anymore
Doesn’t have to wear pants anymore
Well, maybe that’s not so cool
We don’t want to imagine what that would look like NUDE, would we?
I don’t want to PUKE and have you PUKE on me!
Unless of course, we PUKE in his face!
He won’t have to remember our Birthdays
Won’t get in trouble when he forgets them
We don’t have to show up at Uncle Joe’s house and hear his Bull and smell the beer on his drunken breath!
Remember that cheap cigar
God, that stunk to high heaven!
Poor old uncle Joe
Bugs can crawl in one ear and out the other instead of someone’s words he doesn’t want to hear
Confidentially buddy, you know his funeral is goanna be a NO SHOW
He always knew that
He’s the only one showing, except for us
See him over there waiting for you to say goodbye?
You and I are his only friends, you know
And, that’s because we’re his only family
We simply had no choice in the matter
It’s called GENES, Baby!
The mother and the father got together
Then, there we were about nine months later
Me and my twin brother
You and I have been fighting ever since
But, we’re fair weather and phony as hell
And, just as skin deep as well
But, do you think he gives one damned hoot!
I would say NO, not even one TOOT
Imagine the gall of all his real PHONY assed friends he hung out with at that BAR!
Not one of them misses him, do they?
Oh, they probably think “what ever happened to Ole Joe?”
Those Phony Asses!
Well, do you see any one of them here?
They’re all NO SHOWS
Look under the rocks, maybe they’re crawling around there with the other slimy bugs!
Look in the trash can
No, not there with all the stinking rotting trash, either!
They didn’t care that he croaked
And, no one will care about all those fools when they do
Dyin’ will only get in the way of their drinkin’.
They’d all stand in a long line and piss in old Joe’s face when no one was looking laughing all their drunken heads off, wouldn’t they?
Just think about all the money he spent on them buying them rounds of cheap well drinks
But, they wouldn’t waste their precious gas and do a drive by and throw their trash all over him and his brand new shiny casket…
I don’t think they even have cars
They’re all impounded
They lost their driver’s licenses
They have to walk now
They take the Bus
They don’t ride bicycles
They can’t balance worth a dime
How do you do that and not crash when you are an alcoholic?
They couldn’t even jump up on a Bike and stay balanced long enough to ride off into the sunset
They’d fall to the ground without training wheels
They wouldn’t waste a bottle of whiskey pouring it all over Joe’s face right now!
No more Phonies!
That’s one thing good about dyin’ Uncle Joe believes
I think I knew him well enough to read his mind
That’s why he’s out of this crumby world, baby!
He’s out of here
He told us he’s goanna break out of this nightmare
He did what he said
He was a man of his word
He broke out
We didn’t believe him
We didn’t think it was goanna be this way
Well, we didn’t believe he was goanna hang himself in his garage like he did
But now, he’s goanna break out of that Casket, MAN!
Did you just see him move around a bit?
Yeah, you did
You saw him out of the corner of your eye you sly devil!
Did you see him smile?
I saw him out of the corner of my eye
Did you know he’s smiling at you?
He didn’t look at me
He smiled at you
How do I know?
He told me so
I told you I can read his mind
He’s looking at you, smiling
But, he’s goanna be in your FACE!
He’s goanna scream and shout
Well, most likely he’d be drunk and belch in your face and let out a long bean fart
Remember how he loved all those bean burritos?
Remember, that’s the last thing he did
He ate his last Bean Burrito!
Hey, go over there and push on his stomach
Maybe, you’ will push out a big ole fart
Hey, it’s his Funeral
He can Fart if he wants to
He can do what he wants
What are you goanna do, have him arrested for disturbing the peace?
For poor manners?
I think not!
Leave poor old uncle Joe alone, will you!
He’s paid his dues in life
But, we haven’t paid ours yet.
He also told me to tell you…
Hold onto your horses
It’s not your turn, yet
You’ll have to wait
It’s coming near
It’s almost time
It’s almost here
It’s very very near
Don’t you ever be sad for him
He doesn’t want that
Be sadder for yourself, you selfish so and so!
Hey, don’t be mad at me, he told me to say that!
Cause your times a comin’ sucker round the next corner sooner than you think!
You might as well cry about it now while you still can
It will come like a thief in the night
When you least expect it
That’s how it all happened to him you know
Well, not exactly
It was the rope
He did the rope a dope
You better start enjoyin’ things big time
Before you know it’s all goanna be over
By the way, Uncle Joe didn’t like you much
Don’t get mad
Don’t KILL me!
Don’t be too upset, Uncle Joe there didn’t like many unless they happened to be drunk like him
You should have had a few drinks with the poor old sap
I’m just the messenger deliverin’ the message!
Don’t blow me away with that gun you’re holdin’
If you don’t mind, our UNCLE JOE over there asked me to ask you another question
It’s between you, me, poor old uncle Joe, and that lamp post over by his casket…
It’s confidential, so don’t worry yourself one single bit
And no, it’s not that you are coming out of the CLOSET and you want to become a woman now
Oh yeah, it’s not secret pal
No, I didn’t have to tell them
It’s written all over you like a book
Now back to Uncle Joe, here it is
The Big Question of Life
Are you Ready?
Here it goes
Did God happen to tell you what your lousy stinkin’ no good purpose was?
You are pausing too long
Come on boy
Don’t Dilly Dally with the answer
Yeah…that’s what I thought…
You know, he didn’t tell me mine, either
God, like Uncle Joe over there doesn’t seem to talk much
And, even if he did
We probably wouldn’t be wise enough to understand what he said
We wouldn’t listen
And, you know we wouldn’t want to do those things he commanded us to do
See your poor old uncle Joe over there here in the casket
I’ll bet God didn’t tell him about ‘nuttin!
That so sucks a big one, doesn’t it!
Hey, does that suck, poor old uncle joe?
Well, we don’t care if he knew
God didn’t tell us either, did he?
It matters to us because we’re still alive
At least you and I aren’t laying there stiff like he is!
That’s some conciliation, isn’t it!
But, we will be old
Then, we will wonder where all the time went
In the blink of an eye we will be both like poor old uncle Joe over there
The good thing now is, He’s the stiff, not us
He took our place, at least for the time being
But, we both have a reservation held for us
He often said we wander through life alone running into walls and closed doors
He often said he was one of those so called late bloomers who never found himself
Maybe, there was a secret Poor Old Uncle Joe who wasn’t such a bad guy after all
Maybe, we just didn’t understand the old fool
Sorry, uncle Joe, no disrespect meant
Maybe, he stayed drunk to hide his real self
Maybe, he was a sensitive guy
I guess we’ll never know now
But, he wanted me to ask you, were you a late bloomer like him?
Did you have to waste your entire youth to get the big picture?
Did you find yourself?
Did you find your true calling?
I mean, your Niche in life?
Did you find where you belonged?
Or, did you always feel out of place?
Well, don’t feel alone, because you are not
You’re in good company, son
Uncle Joe there felt we’re all doomed!
He had a sense that no matter how much money or fame you get, you can’t take it with you!
It’s pointless to even try
What’s the point of all this nonsense
Trying to impress someone
Thinking you are superior
What’s the point of all that?
We’re all goanna be just as dead no matter what we do with our lives
He figured out he wasted his entire life working his ass off in that stupid job where the boss didn’t appreciate him
All his fellow workers stabbed him in the back and sucked up to the boss
He hated those ass sucks!
But No, he wouldn’t do it
NO, NO, NO! NEVER!
Uncle Joe there wasn’t an ass suck like you and me
He kissed no ass
We should be PROUD he’s not an ass suck like us
He didn’t betray himself like we did to survive
Maybe, he wasn’t such a bad guy after all
Maybe, we should look up to the drunk
We’re down here looking up
Or, he’s down there looking up
No disrespect, Uncle
Someone is always looking up dead as a doornail
Did you have your heart torn out by someone you found out later didn’t even love you?
That happened to poor OLD UNCLE JOE many a time
He always knew that bitch he was playing around with didn’t care about him
You felt it in your gut, didn’t you uncle Joe?
You knew with each gulp of that whiskey, didn’t you?
Maybe, she took every last cent she could get out of you, then left you for your so called best friend!
Some friend, huh, Uncle Joe?
That happened to me, too uncle, so don’t feel so bad
Oh yeah, and remember that College Degree you worked so hard for…
You found out it didn’t mean a darned thing except slavery
That piece of paper might as well have been toilet paper
You found out it only trained you to be a hypnotized slave and a secret after work alcoholic!
What! You hated your job! You hated life!
Tough titties for you, you poor poor sap!
You know what, BROTHER!
They stole all your younger years away like a damned Vampire!
By the time you woke up, you were an old man uncle Joe
You never bloomed at all, did you?
You’re ONE Pathetic excuse for a human being, aren’t you!
What’s your MAJOR MALFUNCTION, Fucker?
You were OK the way you were, weren’t you Uncle Joe?
They just wouldn’t leave you alone and let you be yourself
They wouldn’t accept you for the way you were
Uncle Joe understands now
Oh yeah, he’s listening
He always listens because he has nothing better to do
He always will tell you what’s on his mind if you listen to the wind
Can you hear him babbling and carrying on now?
He’s the one who’ll come after you and pollenate you with his wisdom
That’s a lot better than rotten green rats down in the gutter drain, MAN!
I wrote a poem like that when I was young way before I knew about all the crap I was going to have to go through in life
God, I might have hanged myself too, if I’d known all the trouble I was headed for
Old uncle Joe there died pissed off!
Take a good look at his face
He’s not smiling, is he?
Can you really blame him?
He doesn’t look like a happy camper
Get a good look at his face
Don’t get weird on me, man!
Come on, take a good look
Get your face close to his
Get some guts
Kiss him goodbye on his cheek
Don’t be such a PUSSY
Slide up there close to that casket!
See him good
Get cheek to cheek, pal
Cause, his FACE is goanna show up in your dreams tonight, FELLA
Never ever forget what that poor old uncle Joe looks like
Cause, you’re lookin’ at the future you and me, son!
Uncle Joe said you have a choice in things
You can enjoy the rest of your life or be miserable
You can think life sucks or think the best of it
It doesn’t matter what you do
You and I will still die
And, die alone, you and I will
It’s kind of a personal thing of sorts
Get a stiffie my man, while you still can
Of course, we’re in good company
They have blazed the trail nice and deep for us to follow
All we have to do is follow the dust they made walking on it
And, die like they did
Attila the Hun
Joan of Ark
Edgar Allen Poe
Henry David Thoreau
All the Billions and Billions of unknown Stiffs
Like you and I and of course our guest of honor Poor Old Uncle Joe!
They turned into dust
It blows silently in the wind
We’re goanna be Stiff like Old Uncle Joe over there
So, now you know what they meant about youth is wasted on the young
Poor Old Uncle Joe never bloomed
He kept watering himself up with all the booze he could get his hands on
But, he never bloomed
He didn’t grow
He just got old
Poor Old Uncle Joe didn’t deserve his lot in life, did he?
Isn’t there a little Poor Old Uncle Joe in you and me?
Did I hear you say NO?
Tell me who you see
Poor Old Uncle Joe’s me
Poor Old Uncle Joe bloomed
I swear he did!
Poor Old Uncle Joe finally finally bloomed
Good God almighty!
I’ll drink to that!
How ’bout you?
Got some Poor Old Uncle Joe in you?
I’ll bet like me, you do, too…